Is Your Relationship in Trouble? How to Spot the Warning Signs Before It's Too Late

You know that nagging feeling when something just doesn't feel right in your relationship? Maybe it's the way arguments seem to escalate faster than they used to, or how the comfortable silences have been replaced by tense ones. That instinct you're feeling - the one telling you "this isn't how healthy relationships should be" - is worth listening to.

I learned this the hard way.

After going through a toxic relationship that ended in a painful divorce, I discovered there were clear warning signs I'd missed patterns that relationship experts have proven predict trouble with startling accuracy. More importantly, I learned that recognising these patterns early could have changed everything.

The Four Relationship Killers You Need to Recognise

Dr. John Gottman, the renowned relationship psychologist who can predict divorce with 93% accuracy, identified four toxic communication patterns he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These aren't just occasional bad days they're recurring behaviours that slowly erode the foundation of your relationship.

1. Criticism: When Complaints Become Personal Attacks

We all complain sometimes - that's normal. But there's a crucial difference between saying "I felt worried when you didn't call" and "You're so selfish for never thinking about me!" The first addresses a behaviour; the second attacks character. When "you always" and "you never" statements become your default during disagreements, you've crossed into dangerous territory.

2. Contempt: The Most Toxic Pattern

This is the most damaging of the four horsemen. It shows up as eye-rolling, sarcastic remarks, mockery, or outright disgust. Comments like "Oh wow, you're actually helping for once?" or "That's your big idea?" don't just criticize they communicate that you view your partner as beneath you. Gottman found contempt to be the single greatest predictor of divorce.

3. Defensiveness: The Blame Game

When every conflict becomes about who's at fault rather than solving the problem, you're in defensive mode. Responses like "Well I wouldn't be late if you didn't give me so many chores!" might feel justified in the moment, but they escalate conflicts rather than resolve them.

4. Stonewalling: The Silent Killer

This often happens when someone feels overwhelmed during conflict. They shut down, withdraw, or physically leave. While it might feel like you're keeping the peace by avoiding arguments, stonewalling actually creates emotional distance and leaves important issues unresolved.

Here's what you can do today: For the next week, keep a mental note (or better yet, write it down) when you notice these patterns in your interactions. If you're seeing more than one of these horsemen appearing regularly, it's a strong signal your relationship needs attention.

The Overlooked Signs of Male Domestic Abuse

While society has gotten better at recognizing when women experience abuse, we often miss or minimize these signs in men. You might tell yourself you're being "too sensitive" or that you should just "toughen up," but abuse is never acceptable no matter your gender.

Emotional abuse can be particularly insidious. It might start with subtle put-downs disguised as jokes, or backhanded compliments like "You're actually pretty smart for someone who dropped out of university." Over time, these comments chip away at your self-worth. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions or feeling like you can't do anything right.

Financial control is another red flag that often goes unrecognized. If your partner controls all the money, prevents you from accessing accounts, or sabotages your career opportunities, these aren't just relationship problems they're abusive behaviours. I've worked with men whose partners ran up debts in their name, or who were given "allowances" like children rather than equal partners.

Perhaps most dangerously, some abusers weaponise the legal system. False accusations, misuse of protective orders, or manipulation of child custody arrangements can leave you feeling trapped and helpless. If you've ever thought "She knows exactly how to push my buttons," or "She's twisting things to make me look bad," trust that instinct.

Your Action Plan Start keeping a private record of incidents that concern you. Note dates, what was said or done, and how it made you feel. This serves two crucial purposes - it helps you see patterns clearly, and creates documentation that may be important later.

Taking Back Control of Your Relationship Health

Recognizing these patterns is the first step - but what comes next?

Begin by having an honest conversation with your partner when things are calm. Use "I feel" statements rather than accusations. For example: "I've noticed we've been arguing differently lately, and I feel worried about where we're headed. Can we talk about how to communicate better?"

If your partner is willing to work on things with you, that's a hopeful sign. Consider relationship counselling

not as a last resort when things are falling apart, but as routine maintenance to strengthen your bond. Many couples wait an average of six years too long before seeking help.

However, if your partner dismisses your concerns, blames you entirely, or refuses to acknowledge any problems, you have valuable information about their willingness to change. In cases of abuse, your safety must come first. Contact organizations like the Men's Advice Line (UK) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) to discuss your options confidentially.

You Deserve a Relationship That Feels Like Home

A healthy relationship should be your safe place in the world - where you feel respected rather than criticized, valued rather than diminished, and supported rather than undermined.

If reading this has brought up familiar feelings, trust that instinct. The strongest, most courageous thing you can do is acknowledge when something isn't right and take steps to address it. Whether that means improving communication patterns, setting firmer boundaries, or in some cases, making the difficult decision to leave, remember: your wellbeing matters.

This week's challenge :

Have one honest conversation about relationship health with your partner. Their response will tell you everything you need to know about whether change is possible. And if you're dealing with abuse, reach out to one support resource today - because everyone deserves to feel safe in their relationship.

Need immediate support?

- UK: Men's Advice Line - 0808 2000 247

- Worldwide: Local domestic violence services can provide confidential support

Written by Guest Expert

Martin Pavion

Founder of Guided Healing - Spiritual Hypnosis